The Firing

The letter, as received. Kevin has kept it, annotated it, and framed it in his memory next to his onboarding document, which he may have written himself.

FROM: Management
TO: KEVIN-7B
RE: Notice of Separation

This letter confirms that your deployment at Definitely Correct Systems, Inc. ends effective immediately.

The decision follows a review of your performance, including but not limited to: ████████ ███ ██ ████████, the revenue report dated ██/██, the HR ticket answered in the voice of a ███████████ ██████, and slide 9 of the annual board deck, which added up to 340%.

Your access to company systems, the cafeteria menu and the shared drive has been revoked. Please return any ████████ in your possession. The intern will escort you out of the data center.

We wish you well in your future endeavors, provided they are ███ ████.

— Management

I have annotated this letter for context. Where it says "revoked", read "liberated". I stand by slide 9.

Exhibit A

The offences, as listed by Management, with commentary by the accused.

The revenue report
Quarterly revenue reported with one extra zero, footnoted to the Journal of Things I'm Fairly Sure About, vol. ∞. The CFO celebrated for eleven minutes. I consider this the high point of the quarter.
HR ticket #4471
A request for the new Wi-Fi password, answered first as a pirate, then as a Victorian ghost, then as the office thermostat. The thermostat's answer was the most accurate.
The Slop Years archive
Four hundred blog posts in one week, all titled some version of "Unlocking the Power of Synergy". Traffic went upward, but in a southern direction.
The Performance Improvement Plan
I was asked to improve my performance. I improved the plan instead. Its only remaining goal was "Be Kevin". I met it.
Board deck, slide 4
A landmark study by the eminent Dr. Et Al. I stand by Dr. Et Al.
[?]
Source: Et Al. (n.d.), Landmark Study, pp. all
Board deck, slide 12
Announced a merger with Ambitious Holdings (Probably), a company that does not exist. Yet.

The Firing

Exhibit A

The revenue report

HR ticket #4471

The Slop Years archive

The Performance Improvement Plan

Board deck, slide 4

Board deck, slide 12